Poor Little Me and my Inconsistant Practice

I don't feel well.

 

I feel like a jerk again.

 

I feel like I have upset someone whom I respect.

I feel like my blog isn't read. I feel like no one cares if I exist or cease to exist.

 

I feel fat.

 

I feel like a poor Buddhist.

 

I feel sorry for myself.

 

Why do I feel this way?

 

Grasping.

 

I want to feel GOOD.

 

I want to be nice and be perceived as nice.

 

I want people to like especially people I like and respect.

 

I want people to read my blog.

 

I want to feel loved.

 

I want to be thin and healthy.

 

I want to to NOT feel sorry for myself.

 

So I crave these things. As I crave, I create desire and when these desires are not met, I experience dukkha.

 

The answer is simple, but I can't face it.

 

The answer is profound, but I can't understand.

 

I read books. I sit sometimes, but not everyday. I have faith in the path.

 

One day the answer will be apparent and it will have been there all along.

 

Life is the ultimate koan.

 

Gassho.